Don't Know How to Say Good-bye

William Edward Openshaw - 2/6/29 - 7/30/03. This is a picture of my Dad, helping me and J. work on woodworking projects Father's Day weekend 2003. He was always in the thick of things and loved to "help" me with my undertakings. My father died two weeks after a bad fall on July 30, 2003. It was also the day we closed on a brand new house we all were going to live in so Dad would not be alone all the time. He was 73 years old and very strong and active. It was a stunning shock that everything could be over in 14 days. Even though he was in the hospital being treated for broken ribs and a vertebrae, the doctors missed seeing something wrong internally and he died from a massive "gut" infection. Ah well, so much for modern medicine and all those freaking machines they have to look us over with. They were all so sorry for me. As long as I can remember I was always crazy about my Dad. He made me feel special....I knew he loved me unconditionally. He liked everything about me and did not make fun of me. He was my biggest fan and always handled my emotional outbreaks gently and kindly. Even when I was very young, my Mom said Dad and I had a strong and fast bond. I was his shadow....I was unafraid if he was leading. He was a wonderful father to me, his first born and oldest daughter. Sadly, he was an awful father to my brother. He was abusive and made my brother feel like a loser. My brother was definitely a problem child but even at a young age I knew beating him was NOT the answer. My father died being estranged from my brother. My brother is estranged from me and our sister. Our mother died in 2000 and her last request was that my Dad keep the family together. He failed miserably at this task. We were a dysfunctional family at best, but I did not know that until my grown up years. These past several months I have been torn. I have a a deep love for my father and our ability to love and communicate with each other. I am extremely troubled by the wreckage of my brother by both my father and mother. I grieve terribly for my brother, my heart is broken for him. He wants nothing to do with me and this is so sad to me. I think he must suffer on some level because of our fractured family unit. He does not claim any of us. He has distanced himself and uses his alcohol and pot to keep himself numb. Of course, he does not think that is why he drinks and smokes, he thinks he is partying. I struggle with the loss of my father, my friend, (the only one who could unbreak my heart) and yet feel such anger at how things ended up. I wanted to fix their relationship but the f-----g fall came out of nowhere and he died. Neither of us knew he had so little time. My problem now is; I cannot figure out how to put this horrific and shocking loss somewhere in my life that makes it not so emotionally crippling. I don't know how to justify loving a man who was a monster at times to my brother. The other thing that most surprises me about my severe sadness at Dad being gone, is that I knew that parents are supposed to die before their children. That does NOT help ease the pain. In my 5 decades of life I have had little experience with death. My Mom died in 2000 but she and I were a tad estranged in our own way. I had a hard time for a year, made several good changes to my life, forgave her, forgave me and went on. Dad's death has taken all the wind out of my sails. I miss him terribly and wish I could have done more to let him know what he meant to me. I wish I could have repaired the leftovers of our family. I'm the oldest, he always told me "I was in charge". I feel like I failed here. I'm working on forgiveness for me and for him. I pray for my brother's black heart to be lightened and that he will find peace with his "bad" childhood. I love him even if he will never speak to me or see me again. I only want the best for him.
Death sucks and I guess I just have to trust that time will make things less raw and devastating. Huh! I guess we'll see.....After all it HAS only been 2 years. Not looking for sympathy, really... just had to vent!